On February 15th, I became this precious little girl’s momma.
The moments before her arrival, I cried. I was terrified to become her mother. I wanted her to stay in my belly forever because I knew that was the only place she was safe. I laid on the operating table not knowing what the next chapter in our life was going to be like. When she finally arrived, I didn’t know what to do. The first two days Dillon wheeled me to her room, I just watched her. I barely touched her and hardly talked to her. There were so many wires and tubes in and around her. A part of me didn’t want to believe she was mine. I know, how could I possibly think that. A wave of postpartum depression came and went. At four days old, Dillon and I had to make a tough decision to decide if she could handle the surgery to repair her fistula. The day after her surgery, the hospital discharged me. I left the hospital without my baby. For the next 2.5 weeks, I watched nurses take care of my baby. I didn’t get to change her first diaper or give her first bath. At night I would wake up every three hours to pump. Those were some of the hardest moments; sitting there in the dark, wishing my baby was in my arms. Before Harper came home, it took almost a week to learn how to take care of her. We learned how to feed her, tape her NG tube and cannula to her face, monitor her heart rate and oxygen saturation, fortify breastmilk, give her medicine, bathe her, and talked about what to do if “x,y, and z” happened. (To the moms who take their baby home in 48 hours after birth, I salute you.) In the past three months, I have sat in a waiting room three times hoping and praying my daughter would make it through surgery. I have watched her cry in pain when no doctor knew what to do.
Here we are on Mother’s Day and let me tell you, motherhood is hard but it is so worth it. I get to wake up next to the most precious, beautiful little girl in the world. She has taught me to appreciate life and to love unconditionally. Her strength shows me to never give up. I have become her voice and her advocate. I am so incredibly blessed that God put her in my life and made me her mother.